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I know I sound really insecure. But growing up in the situations Iv been in, insecurity is the smallest of my peoblems. Being the odd ball in primary, where everyone didn't wanna talk to you, thought you were weird, that kinda atmosphere can really mess up a kid. Namely me. I went through alot of emotional ups and downs during those years. From the normal, hyper-chatty kindy kid to the stupid primary to the bully to the uber shy one. I was so messed up, I didnt know who i was by the end of my primary school life. -
So I decided to toughen up in secondary school. Start anew. But now that I think about it, my new start was the opposite of everything I wanted to be. All I can remember really being is angry. Angry at everyone and everything. I'd go to school literally with a black poker face everyday. Then the same people would repeatedly ask if I was ok and it'd annoy the hell out of me! Some days I just felt like punching everything till my knuckles bleed. Such, I had good days but in that particular year, the bad out numbered the good. Not a good start at all.-
Form 2 and 3 were practically the same. Knowing what i did in form 1 wasnt what i wanted, I tried to change again. But the chance wasnt exactly for the better. I went back into my shy shell. Feeling detached from everyone, not belonging to any "group" at school. The only place I felt really comfortable in my own skin was in church. No doubt church is only once a week, but it was that along with its people that kept me together. Of course, I had my share of back sliding, but God never gave up on me. He always found a way to bring my focus back to Him. I think my biggest challenge was to go for the missions trip to raub alone, without any immediate family around. In those 3 days, I regained a little bit of myself. Speaking to me every second I was there, God really touched the depths of me.-
Those 2 year also thought me alot about myself. How no matter what face I put up then, I was scared. Scared i'd me hurt again. That pain i felt was worse than any physical injury i'd gotten to that point. Solution? Run away. I decided to cut off my heart from all guys. Told myself I wouldnt like anyone at all. So now, 2 years down the road, I forgot what it feels like to really like someone. Thats my consequence for not facing my fears. Its kept me safe, yes, but am I losing more? There are somedays I miss the feeling. I dont know.. It really pains me when I think about it now. Cause no matter how hard I try, I cant remember the feeling.-
On the other hand, Im finally happy with who I am. Proud of who God made me. Yes, I still feel self conscious but at least now Iv got some peace of mind. I guess the easiest words to use is that I feel accepted. Normal, like everyone else. But that doesn't mean I feel all hype 24-7.-
In truth, lately Iv been feeling the lowest Iv been in the past 2 years. But I think thats something you're not prepared to hear. In the hidden spaces of my heart and my mind are secrets that are meant for the Almighty and me alone. Some may see it as ordinary and petty but to me, those secrets are what hurt me the most. Its the details that make the bigger picture, the unseen things that are most dangerous.-
I'd rather be Anything but Ordinary.
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