Today marks the end of my life as a college student. The end of a 'sheltered' education. The end of I'm-too-young-to-understand kinda bullshit excuse. So many things have been added to my bag of memories, experiences, knowledge over this one and a half years. But the bottom line is *very sadly* what it all boils down to. The much anticipated "parting gift". What's mine you wonder? BCD is my parting gift. Greaaaat. Honestly my feelings about it are the equivalent of my feelings prior today. Indifferent. Even for me, that felt kinda odd, to say the least, not feeling more than an ounce of panic about my so called 'future'. Nonetheless, this lack of emotion quickly shot into the feeling of failure. I didn't feel so much i failed myself because I did decently enough to still do to university. Yeah sure I felt I failed myself in hopes that I could prove (to myself mostly) that I was capable of entering a university in the UK had I taken up that option. Guess I'm just a nobody with no where to go after all. But the majority of my failure was occupied by the simple notion that I had failed my parents. Again. I failed them by not giving them something to be proud of. Something to boast about to their friends (sounds shallow, but every parent wishes to boast about their child's accomplishments). I failed in my hopes to help them financially but securing a scholarship. I don't give a damn about the 'glory' of receiving a scholar, just as long as it could lessen the burden particularly on mom's shoulders. I failed in providing a better mark for Martin to overcome, which I know he can do! And at this very moment, what's the salt to my open wound is the failure of proving to my parents that I am mature and fully capable of balancing academics and extra-curricular activities without compromising one or the other. Mayyybe I'm just not smart. Mayyybe I'm not a classroom/books person. Mayyybe I'm best at things that don't end up on paper. Whatever it is, doesn't matter. 'Cause it doesn't look like I have what it takes to handle both. In the eyes of the two I worry so much about disappointing, I can't seem to get anything worth mattering about right. What. A. Useless. Idiot.
I wish I was more like Choon Lim or Janice. I'm associating with particularly the two of them because we were in Student Council together, bound by the same responsibilities. Otherwise the I-wish-I-was-more-like list would go on far too long. Their ability to distinguish between tasks and not scramble at the last minute. Their level of maturity, both in though and action, always amazed me. How they have their heads firmly screwed on through the thickest of troubles while I looked like a headless chicken running all around town trying to sort out everything myself. And I do this regardless of how many capable hands I have at my disposal. My rational mind knows what all this equates to. A lack of trust. It's the root of all the problems I'm facing now. How did I get here? I don't seem to remember the point where I stopped trusting, stopped believing in those around me and the One above. Day after day, I find myself sinking deeper into this dark hole that I can't care to pull myself out off. I'm too ashamed to ask for help. "If I can't help myself, who am I to ask for someone else's hand?" That line runs over and over again in my mind.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
I see this. I know it. But I fear I've lost the flame that believes in it.
My spirit now blindly gropes in the dark that is the future. Alone.
It is my body's prisoner. Until the bonds can be broken. And the burden lightened.
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