Be Better. Be True

I wish I was better.

At studying, comprehending, logic,

At being a daughter, being a sister,

At being a friend, being a listener,

At being His light, being a committed non-hypocrite.

There are so many parts of my life that I haven't been happy with. And it isn't because I want to be better to please other people or be measured by their standard of better. I want to be better for myself. I know I can be and I want; crave so much to be that kind of person. I can't find any sense of peace in my heart. I'm filled instead with a kind of hollow content feeling, as if I'm stuck in this rut and I can't get out of it - not moving forward but running the risk of falling leaps behind because everyone else is moving ahead.

I watch day after day all those around me understanding and applying things that I should also already know, and younger people possessing such a wonderful kind of graceful wisdom that my heart is filled with so much hope and joy. What happened to you, Marcia? I know I was once like those people, who could speak with wisdom beyond my years. Carry myself with quiet confidence. It seems to be that the older I grow, the less mature and capable I become. I hate that.

I find myself, now, more afraid to openly say things and trust that I know what I'm doing compared to when I was younger. I worry so much about what people will think about me, about whether I am saying the right thing and whether I sound smart enough. How did I get so wrong? So off-track. So full of doubt. To the point that I am afraid of showing who I truly am, sometimes even to myself.

TRUST. TRUST. TRUST.

Where did all of mine go?

In myself.

In those around me whom I consider close.

I can't even trust God with his plans for me, for goodness sake!

God, please please help me. I've cried and cried myself dry.

I need your forgiving love, I need your help.