You're out

Strike 1 - You've put to rest my queries. Case closeD.

Strike 2 - You've laid my burdens to rest. My Calmness spreads.

Strike 3 - You've just poured it all down the drain. No Home run for me.

Just another chump stuck on the bench, hearing coach's naggy voice.

Baseball has never been my thing.

invisible pain

Today marks the end of my life as a college student. The end of a 'sheltered' education. The end of I'm-too-young-to-understand kinda bullshit excuse. So many things have been added to my bag of memories, experiences, knowledge over this one and a half years. But the bottom line is *very sadly* what it all boils down to. The much anticipated "parting gift". What's mine you wonder? BCD is my parting gift. Greaaaat. Honestly my feelings about it are the equivalent of my feelings prior today. Indifferent. Even for me, that felt kinda odd, to say the least, not feeling more than an ounce of panic about my so called 'future'. Nonetheless, this lack of emotion quickly shot into the feeling of failure. I didn't feel so much i failed myself because I did decently enough to still do to university. Yeah sure I felt I failed myself in hopes that I could prove (to myself mostly) that I was capable of entering a university in the UK had I taken up that option. Guess I'm just a nobody with no where to go after all. But the majority of my failure was occupied by the simple notion that I had failed my parents. Again. I failed them by not giving them something to be proud of. Something to boast about to their friends (sounds shallow, but every parent wishes to boast about their child's accomplishments). I failed in my hopes to help them financially but securing a scholarship. I don't give a damn about the 'glory' of receiving a scholar, just as long as it could lessen the burden particularly on mom's shoulders. I failed in providing a better mark for Martin to overcome, which I know he can do! And at this very moment, what's the salt to my open wound is the failure of proving to my parents that I am mature and fully capable of balancing academics and extra-curricular activities without compromising one or the other. Mayyybe I'm just not smart. Mayyybe I'm not a classroom/books person. Mayyybe I'm best at things that don't end up on paper. Whatever it is, doesn't matter. 'Cause it doesn't look like I have what it takes to handle both. In the eyes of the two I worry so much about disappointing, I can't seem to get anything worth mattering about right. What. A. Useless. Idiot.

I wish I was more like Choon Lim or Janice. I'm associating with particularly the two of them because we were in Student Council together, bound by the same responsibilities. Otherwise the I-wish-I-was-more-like list would go on far too long. Their ability to distinguish between tasks and not scramble at the last minute. Their level of maturity, both in though and action, always amazed me. How they have their heads firmly screwed on through the thickest of troubles while I looked like a headless chicken running all around town trying to sort out everything myself. And I do this regardless of how many capable hands I have at my disposal. My rational mind knows what all this equates to. A lack of trust. It's the root of all the problems I'm facing now. How did I get here? I don't seem to remember the point where I stopped trusting, stopped believing in those around me and the One above. Day after day, I find myself sinking deeper into this dark hole that I can't care to pull myself out off. I'm too ashamed to ask for help. "If I can't help myself, who am I to ask for someone else's hand?" That line runs over and over again in my mind.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I see this. I know it. But I fear I've lost the flame that believes in it.

My spirit now blindly gropes in the dark that is the future. Alone.

It is my body's prisoner. Until the bonds can be broken. And the burden lightened.

jealous

When is it that people feel the emotion called jealousy?

Why is it that they feel this emotion?

What causes this emotion?

These questions that have been running through my mind the past couple days. In conjunction with feeling this dreaded JEALOUSY. It's stupid because I know it's something I shouldn't have surface, particularly in this situation. But it keeps coming up. And it's blurring my judgement and destroying my objectives.

But forget that for a second. Lets bring some focus back into my life.

So I think that people actually come to "jealousy" through wanting to be the better of the lot.

What do I mean?

Well, you know how you see someone in the same situation as you, given equal circumstances, but they seem come out of it with better results than you. Or has an overall better attitude about it. You end up having a mixture of envy and a need to have what the other has. that "need" soon fills your mind. And all you end up thinking is "I want that. Why can't I have that?"

Yes, that's what I mean.

It's probably due to the whole 'champion' quality that we all have in us. You know what I'm talking about right? The whole best sperm gets to the egg thing. Yeah you catch my drift.

It's pretty childish and stupid really but everyone encounters this emotion. No matter how humble the person may appear to be in the outside. The ones who seem like they never get jealous, they're just very good at controlling their emotions and lying.

Then again this may be something that I came up with just to make myself feel better about the whole thing.

Go figure. Humans. Such complicated and strange creatures.

I'm pretty much turning into a biiiiish lah. Damn.

I will be the undoing of myself.

butterflies

Stomach. Inside. Flying. Butterflies.

You're doing this to me. And I don't know if I like it or not. Because the road is so misty where you are. I don't know what will happen if I take the step that leads me forward with no way back.

Scared?

Shitless.

"We'll see" is what you said. Yes, I will see. I hope for the best, whatever the outcome.

ohh shopping

I finally got a chance to go shopping :D

Ok yeah so I didn't buy anything. But that doesn't mean I didn't have fun.

Today was awesome!

Saw so many pweetty things that I want for myself :D:D

But before succumbing to the wants. I must satisfy my needs. And right now that's shoes for Grad Ball. I have a couple potentials at least.

Hope I have enough time to get it.

I caught Nanny McPhee with Weng Yee, Pam and Anthea too.

Movies with this bunch is always good, no matter the movie ;)

I have to say it is funny. But I can't say that it was better that the first Nanny McPhee movie.

Then again, most sequel firms aren't very good.

Good times aside, time to focus on Grad Ball. In 2 days.

Ahh so much to do, so little time.

hurt+pissed

I know, I know. Don't let 'em get to you. They're just crapping. They're jobless idiots. Blalala...

But seriously, it hurts. And I can't unknow what I know.

- Then hurt turned to pissed -

What surprises me is how shallow our generation is. Have we nothing more productive to do with our time? Must we gain gratification from the misery of others? It's stupid and selfish is what it is.

It pisses me off that there are people who care nothing for what kind of mark our generation has the potential to leave in this country. In this world. And on the next generation.
And if you don't give two hoots about the next generation, then be prepared to reap the fruits of your labor.

You know why most adults don't respect us? Don't trust us? It's because of this kind of behavior. Childish crap people pull.

Grow UP. Seriously. JUST GROW THE HECK UP!

Ok it's out. Now what's left for me to do is leave it in where it belongs.

In the dirt.

slow much

I just felt like looking back on the road that lead me to today. Was I THAT emo? Am I still?

I hear a-pondering a-comin'.