Be Better. Be True

I wish I was better.

At studying, comprehending, logic,

At being a daughter, being a sister,

At being a friend, being a listener,

At being His light, being a committed non-hypocrite.

There are so many parts of my life that I haven't been happy with. And it isn't because I want to be better to please other people or be measured by their standard of better. I want to be better for myself. I know I can be and I want; crave so much to be that kind of person. I can't find any sense of peace in my heart. I'm filled instead with a kind of hollow content feeling, as if I'm stuck in this rut and I can't get out of it - not moving forward but running the risk of falling leaps behind because everyone else is moving ahead.

I watch day after day all those around me understanding and applying things that I should also already know, and younger people possessing such a wonderful kind of graceful wisdom that my heart is filled with so much hope and joy. What happened to you, Marcia? I know I was once like those people, who could speak with wisdom beyond my years. Carry myself with quiet confidence. It seems to be that the older I grow, the less mature and capable I become. I hate that.

I find myself, now, more afraid to openly say things and trust that I know what I'm doing compared to when I was younger. I worry so much about what people will think about me, about whether I am saying the right thing and whether I sound smart enough. How did I get so wrong? So off-track. So full of doubt. To the point that I am afraid of showing who I truly am, sometimes even to myself.

TRUST. TRUST. TRUST.

Where did all of mine go?

In myself.

In those around me whom I consider close.

I can't even trust God with his plans for me, for goodness sake!

God, please please help me. I've cried and cried myself dry.

I need your forgiving love, I need your help.

Racism: Where are we taking it?

There is little doubt that racism is founded on negativity. But negativity with what focus? I feel that it is the focus on the bad committed by a few out of a greater cluster of people. In light of these few "bad apples", an idea of, again, a few that is then generalized over the other "good apples" and later instilled into the masses with little challenge.

We, as human beings, tend to remember the worst of things instead of the good that has been done or happened, especially in difficult times. It is easy for us to blame it on someone else for the difficulties we encounter. But we take it too far. What is one bad count in the face of 10 good ones? We cannot and must not forget the good that has been done by anyone towards anyone.

Then again, what weight do we give the good and the bad?

This is not a question that can be easily answered because there really is not definite answer. However, one thing is certain. Until our hearts and our minds change towards those not within our class, racism is not a practice that will dissipate in the near future. Not even close. Talk as we might, we are all racist because we all blame and judge. It is simply human nature to look out for ones own best interests. So unless we, as individuals, make the decision to focus on the good of people we are leading our generation and those of the future into a time of hate and pride and prejudices.

Is this the kind of lesson we really want our children to learn?

How do you deal with the fact that you no longer miss

...

the person you thought you'd never stop missing?

...

Reflection

Having so much time to myself definitely makes me think alot. About whatever. Lately, it's been about my behavior around different people.

I've realized that as a safety mechanism, I act all nice and innocent. In truth, I think I'm pretty mean and sarcastic. Sometimes I really could care less about the people around me and what they are going though. Honestly. But the "nice" me, just has to care and must come up with sweet supportive things to say. Thinking it over, I don't even know whether I mean any of it.

Geeeeez.

I think alot. Too much.

Things unsaid

Can I just say that it feels awesome that Kate and her teammates are taking a chance on me to act in their final film project. ALTHOUGH, I hope I don't screw it all up. I really want them to do well for this project because I know the message is something really close to Kate's heart, heck it's close to EVERYONE'S heart - anyone that has ever felt love and heartbreak and 'what-if' frustrations.


I know I definite relate to it. I hate that I do, but it's the truth.


Coming into this, I know I'm going to have to open up some still unhealed wounds about my own experiences with heart break so I can bring out the right emotions. I know it's going to hurt, especially during this time of the month when dreams, thoughts, feelings for and about you come back and bite me in the ass. I hate you for it. Yet I love you for it.


I hate myself even more for letting you be, making you, my what-if.


I'm hoping, though, that by taking up this role, it'll also help me heal somehow. Like I could imagine it's you I'm talking to and confessing how I really feel about you, both then and now. But in reality, that will never happen and that's the realistic truth about some relationships. It will always be a cliffhanger to a part of the story that is your life. The important thing to remember, however, is that it is a PART of your life, not your WHOLE life.


Funny how I can so easily say that. But when it comes to acting on it, not so successful.
I'll be trying. There's still much road left in my journey to recovery.

Chocolate Orange Brownies

My pantry is, and has been for some time, low on several baking necessities but that did little to stop me from creating a baked dream. Using a basic brownie recipe as my base I used what I had, some creativity and a little guidance from the kitchen goddess herself, Nigella Lawson, I got me a-bakin' some chocolate orange brownies y'all (alla Paula Deen). Let me tell you, it SMELLS GREAT.

Here's the recipe if ever any of you potentially non-existent readers want to give it a try.


Ingredients:
150g Chocolate (Mixture of Dark & Milk Chocolate)
125g Butter
3 Eggs
1 cup Caster Sugar
1 cup Plain Flour
1/4 cup Cocoa / Chocolate Malt Drink Powder
1 tsp Orange Vest
Pinch of Salt

 Method:
1. Melt chocolate, butter and orange vest in a deep pan over low heat until everything has melted. Take off the heat and leave aside to cool.
2. Add a pinch of salt to the chocolate and stir.
3. Add in one egg at a time to the chocolate mixture. Beating well after each addition.
4. Add in the sugar. Stir until well incorporated.
5. Mix the flour and cocoa together in a bowl.
6. Add the flour mixture to the chocolate mixture. Stir gently until the flour has been fully incorporated.
7. Pour into the baking tray lined with foil. Push the batter to the edges of the tray and smooth the surface.
8. Baking in a 180C preheated oven. Bake for 25 - 30 minutes.
9. Remove from the over and leave to cool.
10. Remove the brownies and foil from the tray. Pull away the foil from the brownies and cut to desired sizes.

ENJOY <3

BONUS: It's all done in one pan. Meaning? Minimal wash-up! That's always a plus in my book.

Solitary Meals

Sometimes all I need is a little alone time and some food therapy. This is exactly what I've been getting the past two afternoons. And it feels great. There's just something magical about getting absorbed into the world of cooking -the tasks, the flavour combinations, THE RESULTS.

As I write this, I am happily, and hungrily, eating my just prepared simple lunch. Today it's a lettuce and tomato salad simple dressed with lemon juice, salt and pepper with lovely fried bacon. To top it off, a cut of lean pork pan coated with a rub of indian-y spices and lightly seared. The meat's still juicy and tender, oh so good. I love the combination of this quick lunch. The pork has a slightly strong flavour because of all the spices but is beautifully complimented with the clean salad and freshness of the lemon juice. And, of course, nothing ever tastes bad when you have the crunchy salty morsels of bacon running through the whole dish.

It's also a nice contrast to what I had yesterday - Spagetti alla Carbonara. The kitchen was somewhat chaotic while I was making that, what with all the pans and bowls about but nonetheless, it turned out fine. I didn't have all the original ingredients to make carbonara so I improvised. Instead of cream, I used milk and in place of parmesan was sandwich cheese. Weird and unforgivable what what could I do? I was craving. And everyone knows you can't whole a girl down once she's made up her mind. I added a bit too much cooking liquid so it turned out a bit too wet but who cares. It still tasted good, with more of a mac and cheese taste to it, i must say.

Lunch was heavy yesterday, so today I make it light. Hmm I wonder what I'll having tomorrow? Hehe my taste buds tingle with eager anticipation what I conjure up my next culinary idea.

And so, with the last bite of today's lunch,  I end this post.