Pounding heartbeats

Can't shake the feeling something bad is about to happen. And it's got to do with you.

Never forget

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness

for His name's sake.

Even though I walk

through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table for me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

Psalm 23

Just trying to be a friend

Helpless but hopeful

Some posts ago, I mentioned that I'd changed. Feeling as though I stopped caring about people but putting up a facade to prevent others from discovering what I really felt.

I was wrong.


Of late, I've been feeling quite aggravated - aggravated at people's actions, their speech, their decisions. And I couldn't quite understand why I was feeling that way, especially to certain people whose behaviors, I thought, were reasonably justified and I was in no way angry at any of these people.

It slowly dawned on me, later, that I was trying so hard to rationalize my feelings with my head that I neglected to see exactly what they were. Feelings; emotions; things from my heart. I have become so emotionally hardened that I could not even recognize how I felt about everything going on around me.

Thankfully, this lead to a greater revelation. One that helps me believe that I am growing.


Through the events of the past week, I've come to realize that I still care a great deal about the people around me but I don't quite know how to express that care anymore. So many people I know, too many in fact, whether close and dear or known only by name, are hurting. For a variety of reasons - break-ups, physical tragedies, whatever. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm helpless.

I'm fully away that they need to work through their issues themselves. But it frustrates me to no end that no matter what I do, it doesn't take the pain away from them. My heart aches to the point of breaking seeing everyone hurting. Why is there such a concentration of pain and hurt, in recent days? What is happening? It's too much. I wish I could hug all their pain away. But the world doesn't work like that. I wish I could find the right words to say to bring them some comfort. But I don't know how to anymore. I'm stuck.

Instead, I get annoyed with all my helplessness and take it out on them. As if they need anymore pieces of worry on their plate. What kind of friend am I? :( yeesh.


What good is a big heart if I can't use it properly? Am I using it right?

Summer To-Do List

There are just so so many things I want to do over the summer. And for want of not forgetting any of them, I will list them out. Right. Now.

To Make: Crafts
1. Cropped Top - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZG0z7iE9ik
2. African Tribal Necklace - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aL2eSUyr8B8&feature=relmfu
3. Geographic Necklace - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8k-3dwtqJU&list=FLDgilRFQ60xnmVBs9LtsFaA&index=4&feature=plpp_video
4. Stacked Bracelet - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBGWWIta33c&feature=related
5. Wooden Key Hanger

To Bake/Cook:
1. Chocolate Fondant
2. Risotto
3. Pizza
4. Cinnamon Rolls
5. Mac and Cheese
6. Baked Cheesecake
7. Sun-Dried Tomato Bread
8. Peach Jam
9. Chocolate Mousse
10. Lasagna

To Read:
1. The Hunger Games
2. Catching Fire
3. Mockingjay
4. Wuthering Heights
5. Great Expectations
6. The Scarlet Letter
7. The Great Gatsby
8. The Odyssey
9. Aesop's Fables

To Watch:
1. Step Up 4
2. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
3. The Artist
4. Hugo
5. One Tree Hill Season 9
6. Charmed Season 8
7. The Avengers
8. The Vow
9. The Lucky One
10. Chuck Season 5

This list is not exhaustive. I'll add to it as and when things come to mind.

Stuck in a Rut

The beats, lyrics meld into a single rhythm.

Drowning out the world. Drowning out the confusion.

Offering temporary silence.

Helping with.

Getting nowhere.

We will reap a harvest if we do not give up

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us

God knows I'm tough enough

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

For all the people that matter, I won't ever give up on you.

You are always loved.

There is nothing more bittersweet than the memory of your kisses and hugs.

Be Better. Be True

I wish I was better.

At studying, comprehending, logic,

At being a daughter, being a sister,

At being a friend, being a listener,

At being His light, being a committed non-hypocrite.

There are so many parts of my life that I haven't been happy with. And it isn't because I want to be better to please other people or be measured by their standard of better. I want to be better for myself. I know I can be and I want; crave so much to be that kind of person. I can't find any sense of peace in my heart. I'm filled instead with a kind of hollow content feeling, as if I'm stuck in this rut and I can't get out of it - not moving forward but running the risk of falling leaps behind because everyone else is moving ahead.

I watch day after day all those around me understanding and applying things that I should also already know, and younger people possessing such a wonderful kind of graceful wisdom that my heart is filled with so much hope and joy. What happened to you, Marcia? I know I was once like those people, who could speak with wisdom beyond my years. Carry myself with quiet confidence. It seems to be that the older I grow, the less mature and capable I become. I hate that.

I find myself, now, more afraid to openly say things and trust that I know what I'm doing compared to when I was younger. I worry so much about what people will think about me, about whether I am saying the right thing and whether I sound smart enough. How did I get so wrong? So off-track. So full of doubt. To the point that I am afraid of showing who I truly am, sometimes even to myself.

TRUST. TRUST. TRUST.

Where did all of mine go?

In myself.

In those around me whom I consider close.

I can't even trust God with his plans for me, for goodness sake!

God, please please help me. I've cried and cried myself dry.

I need your forgiving love, I need your help.

Racism: Where are we taking it?

There is little doubt that racism is founded on negativity. But negativity with what focus? I feel that it is the focus on the bad committed by a few out of a greater cluster of people. In light of these few "bad apples", an idea of, again, a few that is then generalized over the other "good apples" and later instilled into the masses with little challenge.

We, as human beings, tend to remember the worst of things instead of the good that has been done or happened, especially in difficult times. It is easy for us to blame it on someone else for the difficulties we encounter. But we take it too far. What is one bad count in the face of 10 good ones? We cannot and must not forget the good that has been done by anyone towards anyone.

Then again, what weight do we give the good and the bad?

This is not a question that can be easily answered because there really is not definite answer. However, one thing is certain. Until our hearts and our minds change towards those not within our class, racism is not a practice that will dissipate in the near future. Not even close. Talk as we might, we are all racist because we all blame and judge. It is simply human nature to look out for ones own best interests. So unless we, as individuals, make the decision to focus on the good of people we are leading our generation and those of the future into a time of hate and pride and prejudices.

Is this the kind of lesson we really want our children to learn?

How do you deal with the fact that you no longer miss

...

the person you thought you'd never stop missing?

...