Child-like Faith

When exactly is it that we stop being kids?

And start the never ending spiral into the grown-up world,

full of responsibility and somewhat total lack of randomness.

When that day comes for me,

I hope to be nearing my end.

Here's to a life full of inspirational creativity, world altering thoughts, sufficiently mature responsibility and absolute RANDOMNESS (to keep the heart pumping and laugher levels sky high) !

There's always a little truth behind every 'joking',

A little knowledge behind every 'I don't know'

Good observation, no?

Too bad I didn't come up with it :P

Oh well, at least someone thought of it.

movies

A multitude of emotions. UP and DOWN.

A series of suicidal thoughts.

The endless doubt.

The invisible self-esteem.

One week later.

I'm finally seeing the potential brightness of the future. I admit, I'm still feeling a tad too emotional, but definitely better than I was and definitely away from the negative side. Most of which I must credit to the most random movie.

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Isn't it somewhat magical the effect some movies have on you? I mean the scenes, the words, the music all in all giving you new inspiration; a hope that things will get a little better. Even though you know it's fictional and that there are many more factors to consider in the "real" world. Still, people associate with the plot they watch on the big screen.

Relevance? It has similarities to the situation(s) they're facing in their own lives.

Why? Because they want so much to believe that it is possible to overcome.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think in the history of movie making, there isn't a single one that leaves people discouraged after watching it. Sure there are movies that leave its audience unchanged emotionally, like those slap-stick humorous ones I.E. Austin Powers but never one that dampens ones spirits.

All people want (and need) is a little bit of HOPE.

not the end

. Ayesha . Weng Yee . Kaykay . Lucas . Kim . Anthea . Pammy.

I'm really going to miss this whole bunch...

We've come so far from just being classmates. To me, they've become an extension of my family. Each one adds their own unique edge to the group, enriching the "family".

But what do you expect! With this bunch, not a single day of the past year and a half has been boring. Lameness, sick jokes, out-of-this-world creativity, unparalleled wit and care all in, they've made my A-levels experience everything I hoped it could be and then some.

Being around them has helped me grow in different ways. All leading to make me more capable of standing on my own two feet. I just hope that I have made an equally significant difference in their lives as they have mine.

It's tough, not knowing if we're going to see each other again after everyone goes their own way even though we say we'll keep in touch. Because I know I won't meet the same kind of uniquely weird group of people in the next leg of my life.

I'll just have to hope. Hope for the best :)

Work that wall baby

What?

Maxim Wallcoverings

-The Art of Wall-

Easycook

Where?

1. Maybank Treats Fair

2. MF3

3. Perfect Living '10

Why?

1. For the fun of it. What else to do with so much time on your hands.

2. Of course, the mooolaah ;)

3. Different kind of work experience.

4. See the world from the other end of the looking glass (sales person to consumer).

How?

Out of all three exhibitions, I must say by far(!) the Maybank Treats Fair tops the lot. That event to be was real fun because there weren't any expectations set besides having to stand and look pretty. So the driving force to sell came from within, no external factors added :P Best of all is that I got to meet a bunch of new people, all great at what they do. First time wearing a Hanbok too. The research was fun, wearing it was a nice adventure too. But ONLY the first time. After that, it felt more like a chore.

MF3. SSSSIIIIGGGGHHHH.....

In a word, that's what the ordeal felt like for me.

Definitely the best looking display of our product among all exhibitions. But also the most frustratingly annoying. In every possible aspect. The management. The products. The consumers. And, probably the most frus point, the lack of communication. The situation greatly affected my performance. Of course, it was cause much to my own short comings i.e. low self-esteem, competitive spirit, over emotional personality... No doubt this was totally avoidable, as it's always a choice to let something affect you or not. In retrospect, it's good that I encountered this and reacted the way I did 'cause now I know how I should behave. Lesson noted.

This weekend's Perfect Living'10 exhibition takes a close second in the ranking. This time, I still wanted to prove myself, but it wasn't my main goal. I just went with the flow, letting the money take a backseat in my priorities. So that made things more fun. But this fun was repeatedly doused with showers of cold water. Serving the customers was my high time, especially some customers who were appreciative of getting to know the product, whether they ended up buying or not. The unavoidable interaction in between with the irritatingly-irritated one wasn't pleasant though. Practically everything I did was not satisfactory, and the constant brush-outs didn't help either. It got seriously annoying because I don't know WHAT it was that made me get this kind of treatment. Is it because I got another job? Or rather WHO i got the job from? Is it because there's someone more capable to dote on? Whatever it is, the most annoying part was the level of openness to the favouritism shown. Isn't moderation key, as they say?

What's next?

Well, given the recent exhibition, that depends on whether I'm still considered a valuable aset to the company. Only time with tell ey?

Note to self:

MUST BECOME MORE CONFIDENT. GROW A BACKBONE DAMMIT!

You're out

Strike 1 - You've put to rest my queries. Case closeD.

Strike 2 - You've laid my burdens to rest. My Calmness spreads.

Strike 3 - You've just poured it all down the drain. No Home run for me.

Just another chump stuck on the bench, hearing coach's naggy voice.

Baseball has never been my thing.

invisible pain

Today marks the end of my life as a college student. The end of a 'sheltered' education. The end of I'm-too-young-to-understand kinda bullshit excuse. So many things have been added to my bag of memories, experiences, knowledge over this one and a half years. But the bottom line is *very sadly* what it all boils down to. The much anticipated "parting gift". What's mine you wonder? BCD is my parting gift. Greaaaat. Honestly my feelings about it are the equivalent of my feelings prior today. Indifferent. Even for me, that felt kinda odd, to say the least, not feeling more than an ounce of panic about my so called 'future'. Nonetheless, this lack of emotion quickly shot into the feeling of failure. I didn't feel so much i failed myself because I did decently enough to still do to university. Yeah sure I felt I failed myself in hopes that I could prove (to myself mostly) that I was capable of entering a university in the UK had I taken up that option. Guess I'm just a nobody with no where to go after all. But the majority of my failure was occupied by the simple notion that I had failed my parents. Again. I failed them by not giving them something to be proud of. Something to boast about to their friends (sounds shallow, but every parent wishes to boast about their child's accomplishments). I failed in my hopes to help them financially but securing a scholarship. I don't give a damn about the 'glory' of receiving a scholar, just as long as it could lessen the burden particularly on mom's shoulders. I failed in providing a better mark for Martin to overcome, which I know he can do! And at this very moment, what's the salt to my open wound is the failure of proving to my parents that I am mature and fully capable of balancing academics and extra-curricular activities without compromising one or the other. Mayyybe I'm just not smart. Mayyybe I'm not a classroom/books person. Mayyybe I'm best at things that don't end up on paper. Whatever it is, doesn't matter. 'Cause it doesn't look like I have what it takes to handle both. In the eyes of the two I worry so much about disappointing, I can't seem to get anything worth mattering about right. What. A. Useless. Idiot.

I wish I was more like Choon Lim or Janice. I'm associating with particularly the two of them because we were in Student Council together, bound by the same responsibilities. Otherwise the I-wish-I-was-more-like list would go on far too long. Their ability to distinguish between tasks and not scramble at the last minute. Their level of maturity, both in though and action, always amazed me. How they have their heads firmly screwed on through the thickest of troubles while I looked like a headless chicken running all around town trying to sort out everything myself. And I do this regardless of how many capable hands I have at my disposal. My rational mind knows what all this equates to. A lack of trust. It's the root of all the problems I'm facing now. How did I get here? I don't seem to remember the point where I stopped trusting, stopped believing in those around me and the One above. Day after day, I find myself sinking deeper into this dark hole that I can't care to pull myself out off. I'm too ashamed to ask for help. "If I can't help myself, who am I to ask for someone else's hand?" That line runs over and over again in my mind.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I see this. I know it. But I fear I've lost the flame that believes in it.

My spirit now blindly gropes in the dark that is the future. Alone.

It is my body's prisoner. Until the bonds can be broken. And the burden lightened.