Helpless but hopeful

Some posts ago, I mentioned that I'd changed. Feeling as though I stopped caring about people but putting up a facade to prevent others from discovering what I really felt.

I was wrong.


Of late, I've been feeling quite aggravated - aggravated at people's actions, their speech, their decisions. And I couldn't quite understand why I was feeling that way, especially to certain people whose behaviors, I thought, were reasonably justified and I was in no way angry at any of these people.

It slowly dawned on me, later, that I was trying so hard to rationalize my feelings with my head that I neglected to see exactly what they were. Feelings; emotions; things from my heart. I have become so emotionally hardened that I could not even recognize how I felt about everything going on around me.

Thankfully, this lead to a greater revelation. One that helps me believe that I am growing.


Through the events of the past week, I've come to realize that I still care a great deal about the people around me but I don't quite know how to express that care anymore. So many people I know, too many in fact, whether close and dear or known only by name, are hurting. For a variety of reasons - break-ups, physical tragedies, whatever. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm helpless.

I'm fully away that they need to work through their issues themselves. But it frustrates me to no end that no matter what I do, it doesn't take the pain away from them. My heart aches to the point of breaking seeing everyone hurting. Why is there such a concentration of pain and hurt, in recent days? What is happening? It's too much. I wish I could hug all their pain away. But the world doesn't work like that. I wish I could find the right words to say to bring them some comfort. But I don't know how to anymore. I'm stuck.

Instead, I get annoyed with all my helplessness and take it out on them. As if they need anymore pieces of worry on their plate. What kind of friend am I? :( yeesh.


What good is a big heart if I can't use it properly? Am I using it right?

Summer To-Do List

There are just so so many things I want to do over the summer. And for want of not forgetting any of them, I will list them out. Right. Now.

To Make: Crafts
1. Cropped Top - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZG0z7iE9ik
2. African Tribal Necklace - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aL2eSUyr8B8&feature=relmfu
3. Geographic Necklace - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8k-3dwtqJU&list=FLDgilRFQ60xnmVBs9LtsFaA&index=4&feature=plpp_video
4. Stacked Bracelet - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBGWWIta33c&feature=related
5. Wooden Key Hanger

To Bake/Cook:
1. Chocolate Fondant
2. Risotto
3. Pizza
4. Cinnamon Rolls
5. Mac and Cheese
6. Baked Cheesecake
7. Sun-Dried Tomato Bread
8. Peach Jam
9. Chocolate Mousse
10. Lasagna

To Read:
1. The Hunger Games
2. Catching Fire
3. Mockingjay
4. Wuthering Heights
5. Great Expectations
6. The Scarlet Letter
7. The Great Gatsby
8. The Odyssey
9. Aesop's Fables

To Watch:
1. Step Up 4
2. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
3. The Artist
4. Hugo
5. One Tree Hill Season 9
6. Charmed Season 8
7. The Avengers
8. The Vow
9. The Lucky One
10. Chuck Season 5

This list is not exhaustive. I'll add to it as and when things come to mind.

Stuck in a Rut

The beats, lyrics meld into a single rhythm.

Drowning out the world. Drowning out the confusion.

Offering temporary silence.

Helping with.

Getting nowhere.

We will reap a harvest if we do not give up

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us

God knows I'm tough enough

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

For all the people that matter, I won't ever give up on you.

You are always loved.

There is nothing more bittersweet than the memory of your kisses and hugs.

Be Better. Be True

I wish I was better.

At studying, comprehending, logic,

At being a daughter, being a sister,

At being a friend, being a listener,

At being His light, being a committed non-hypocrite.

There are so many parts of my life that I haven't been happy with. And it isn't because I want to be better to please other people or be measured by their standard of better. I want to be better for myself. I know I can be and I want; crave so much to be that kind of person. I can't find any sense of peace in my heart. I'm filled instead with a kind of hollow content feeling, as if I'm stuck in this rut and I can't get out of it - not moving forward but running the risk of falling leaps behind because everyone else is moving ahead.

I watch day after day all those around me understanding and applying things that I should also already know, and younger people possessing such a wonderful kind of graceful wisdom that my heart is filled with so much hope and joy. What happened to you, Marcia? I know I was once like those people, who could speak with wisdom beyond my years. Carry myself with quiet confidence. It seems to be that the older I grow, the less mature and capable I become. I hate that.

I find myself, now, more afraid to openly say things and trust that I know what I'm doing compared to when I was younger. I worry so much about what people will think about me, about whether I am saying the right thing and whether I sound smart enough. How did I get so wrong? So off-track. So full of doubt. To the point that I am afraid of showing who I truly am, sometimes even to myself.

TRUST. TRUST. TRUST.

Where did all of mine go?

In myself.

In those around me whom I consider close.

I can't even trust God with his plans for me, for goodness sake!

God, please please help me. I've cried and cried myself dry.

I need your forgiving love, I need your help.