Reflection

Having so much time to myself definitely makes me think alot. About whatever. Lately, it's been about my behavior around different people.

I've realized that as a safety mechanism, I act all nice and innocent. In truth, I think I'm pretty mean and sarcastic. Sometimes I really could care less about the people around me and what they are going though. Honestly. But the "nice" me, just has to care and must come up with sweet supportive things to say. Thinking it over, I don't even know whether I mean any of it.

Geeeeez.

I think alot. Too much.

Things unsaid

Can I just say that it feels awesome that Kate and her teammates are taking a chance on me to act in their final film project. ALTHOUGH, I hope I don't screw it all up. I really want them to do well for this project because I know the message is something really close to Kate's heart, heck it's close to EVERYONE'S heart - anyone that has ever felt love and heartbreak and 'what-if' frustrations.


I know I definite relate to it. I hate that I do, but it's the truth.


Coming into this, I know I'm going to have to open up some still unhealed wounds about my own experiences with heart break so I can bring out the right emotions. I know it's going to hurt, especially during this time of the month when dreams, thoughts, feelings for and about you come back and bite me in the ass. I hate you for it. Yet I love you for it.


I hate myself even more for letting you be, making you, my what-if.


I'm hoping, though, that by taking up this role, it'll also help me heal somehow. Like I could imagine it's you I'm talking to and confessing how I really feel about you, both then and now. But in reality, that will never happen and that's the realistic truth about some relationships. It will always be a cliffhanger to a part of the story that is your life. The important thing to remember, however, is that it is a PART of your life, not your WHOLE life.


Funny how I can so easily say that. But when it comes to acting on it, not so successful.
I'll be trying. There's still much road left in my journey to recovery.

Chocolate Orange Brownies

My pantry is, and has been for some time, low on several baking necessities but that did little to stop me from creating a baked dream. Using a basic brownie recipe as my base I used what I had, some creativity and a little guidance from the kitchen goddess herself, Nigella Lawson, I got me a-bakin' some chocolate orange brownies y'all (alla Paula Deen). Let me tell you, it SMELLS GREAT.

Here's the recipe if ever any of you potentially non-existent readers want to give it a try.


Ingredients:
150g Chocolate (Mixture of Dark & Milk Chocolate)
125g Butter
3 Eggs
1 cup Caster Sugar
1 cup Plain Flour
1/4 cup Cocoa / Chocolate Malt Drink Powder
1 tsp Orange Vest
Pinch of Salt

 Method:
1. Melt chocolate, butter and orange vest in a deep pan over low heat until everything has melted. Take off the heat and leave aside to cool.
2. Add a pinch of salt to the chocolate and stir.
3. Add in one egg at a time to the chocolate mixture. Beating well after each addition.
4. Add in the sugar. Stir until well incorporated.
5. Mix the flour and cocoa together in a bowl.
6. Add the flour mixture to the chocolate mixture. Stir gently until the flour has been fully incorporated.
7. Pour into the baking tray lined with foil. Push the batter to the edges of the tray and smooth the surface.
8. Baking in a 180C preheated oven. Bake for 25 - 30 minutes.
9. Remove from the over and leave to cool.
10. Remove the brownies and foil from the tray. Pull away the foil from the brownies and cut to desired sizes.

ENJOY <3

BONUS: It's all done in one pan. Meaning? Minimal wash-up! That's always a plus in my book.

Solitary Meals

Sometimes all I need is a little alone time and some food therapy. This is exactly what I've been getting the past two afternoons. And it feels great. There's just something magical about getting absorbed into the world of cooking -the tasks, the flavour combinations, THE RESULTS.

As I write this, I am happily, and hungrily, eating my just prepared simple lunch. Today it's a lettuce and tomato salad simple dressed with lemon juice, salt and pepper with lovely fried bacon. To top it off, a cut of lean pork pan coated with a rub of indian-y spices and lightly seared. The meat's still juicy and tender, oh so good. I love the combination of this quick lunch. The pork has a slightly strong flavour because of all the spices but is beautifully complimented with the clean salad and freshness of the lemon juice. And, of course, nothing ever tastes bad when you have the crunchy salty morsels of bacon running through the whole dish.

It's also a nice contrast to what I had yesterday - Spagetti alla Carbonara. The kitchen was somewhat chaotic while I was making that, what with all the pans and bowls about but nonetheless, it turned out fine. I didn't have all the original ingredients to make carbonara so I improvised. Instead of cream, I used milk and in place of parmesan was sandwich cheese. Weird and unforgivable what what could I do? I was craving. And everyone knows you can't whole a girl down once she's made up her mind. I added a bit too much cooking liquid so it turned out a bit too wet but who cares. It still tasted good, with more of a mac and cheese taste to it, i must say.

Lunch was heavy yesterday, so today I make it light. Hmm I wonder what I'll having tomorrow? Hehe my taste buds tingle with eager anticipation what I conjure up my next culinary idea.

And so, with the last bite of today's lunch,  I end this post.

- Indeed, what we did not do is a great regret than what we did - 

Technology makes us as much

- LIARS -

as it does

- TRUTH SPEAKERS -

I WISH I WAS BETTER.

Loneliness

is not quashed by the presence of many people.

Rather

it is with the quiet satisfaction with who you are

when you are alone.

When will I achieve this?

I feel I've built barricades against so many, 

with plans to harm me

not to prosper me.

RIP Mr Yong

It's times like these that make you reflect back on what was and how it could have been. A little more kindness. A little more attentiveness. A little more hard work.

You questions whether that would have made a difference to him. To know that each of his students appreciated him at that point in time, instead of just now when its "too late".

I know, for myself, I wasn't my best in his class. Secretly grumbling under my breath sometimes. Although also secretly I wanted to do better in his class. For myself and to prove to him that I was capable.

It wasn't often he smiled but when he did it felt like it was something well earned. His strict demeanor and honest evaluation of individual classes was refreshing in that he took the time to grow us according to our pace (somewhat (: )

For his sacrifice, I will try to always remind myself to be kind to my current and future teachers because I never know what tomorrow will bring and I don't want to regret not appreciating them.

I appreciate you Mr Yong. I will miss you.

what I would do to eat and not feel sick afterwards right now :(

N.ext Time

I haven't laughed that hard in quite some time. It felt good for a change. Hopefully being around these people again will do me good. Clear up this fog thats preventing coherent, mature thoughts from being produced within my mind. Hope and pray I will be in better -everything- at the end of this incredible experience.

BUT...

It's innominate at this point. I'll have to "wait and see" before a verdict is made :P

Ahh law. Getting under my skin now..