Some posts ago, I mentioned that I'd changed. Feeling as though I stopped caring about people but putting up a facade to prevent others from discovering what I really felt.
I was wrong.
Of late, I've been feeling quite aggravated - aggravated at people's actions, their speech, their decisions. And I couldn't quite understand why I was feeling that way, especially to certain people whose behaviors, I thought, were reasonably justified and I was in no way angry at any of these people.
It slowly dawned on me, later, that I was trying so hard to rationalize my feelings with my head that I neglected to see exactly what they were. Feelings; emotions; things from my heart. I have become so emotionally hardened that I could not even recognize how I felt about everything going on around me.
Thankfully, this lead to a greater revelation. One that helps me believe that I am growing.
Through the events of the past week, I've come to realize that I still care a great deal about the people around me but I don't quite know how to express that care anymore. So many people I know, too many in fact, whether close and dear or known only by name, are hurting. For a variety of reasons - break-ups, physical tragedies, whatever. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm helpless.
I'm fully away that they need to work through their issues themselves. But it frustrates me to no end that no matter what I do, it doesn't take the pain away from them. My heart aches to the point of breaking seeing everyone hurting. Why is there such a concentration of pain and hurt, in recent days? What is happening? It's too much. I wish I could hug all their pain away. But the world doesn't work like that. I wish I could find the right words to say to bring them some comfort. But I don't know how to anymore. I'm stuck.
Instead, I get annoyed with all my helplessness and take it out on them. As if they need anymore pieces of worry on their plate. What kind of friend am I? :( yeesh.
What good is a big heart if I can't use it properly? Am I using it right?
1 comment:
Pain makes the world go round Marcia. If anything it helps build character, make the best art, and bring out the best in people when they're at their lowest.
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